With nature as my guide

Well we survived. An eight-day, 85 mile trek through the Patagonian wilderness with our lives (food ain't light) on our back. It pushed us mentally, physically, emotionally and pretty much any other way imaginable. Our tent broke, our bodies ached, the wind battered us, sunglasses were catapulted into the sky, air mattresses popped, pasta dinners were lost to dirt and yet I came out on the other side more grateful, strong and clear-headed than I've felt in years.

Nature is more than just the far-removed great outdoors that humans continue to destroy through their existence. If we let her, nature can teach us everything we need to know about life, ourselves and the world. But to reach a headspace in which we can be receptive to her teachings takes intentionality; it takes time. Over the course of 8 days, I feel like I heard nature's voice, I listened to her guidance and I gained from her wisdom. I would like to share some of what I learned here today.

A Part of the Wheel

One of my favorite authors to read while traveling is Hermann Hesse. In books including Siddhartha, Beneath the Wheel, and Journey to the East, he characterizes nature as a giant cycle of unity through which all life revolves. Whether we want to or not, we move with nature, through nature and in accordance with nature. Thus to embrace nature is to join the collective tapestry of life. To reject nature is a futile attempt to mask the origins and, well, nature of your own existence.

Most of our days on the trek were spent in motion. We'd wake up early in the morning with the 5:30am sun, pack our belongings and make our way to our next destination, which could take as long as 14 hours (the sun doesn't set until 9:30pm). Each day en route from point a to point b, we'd experience all four seasons in the course of several hours and we'd weave through a variety of landscapes ranging from forests to lakes to snowy tundras. In a climate with such unpredictability, yes one needs to be prepared mentally and physically. And we were. But more important than this preparedness was adopting the mindset of acceptance. Most of the time, conditions are outside of our control. But in our day to day lives, establishing routines typically puts us in a place where more of life's variables are controlled and consistency or at least the appearance of consistency is more easily attained. But when you're out in the open with your life on your back, you control nothing. You are at the mercy of everything around you. Once this realization fully settles in (and believe me, it does early out there) one finds it advantageous to maintain a mindset of acceptance. While there's the option to battle the elements, fight through the terrain and stick a middle finger to mother nature, it only leads to frustration. Through accepting what comes as what is, realizing our inability to control it and the need to just move forward, we begin to move in tandem with nature and as part of nature.

We've all seen the bird that spreads its wings and attempts to fly directly into the oncoming wind. They kind of just float there, trapped in a wind vacuum making no progress. This is how we feel when we battle nature - we try and force round pegs into square holes, we run up the down escalator and every other idiom that conveniently captures the frustration of futility. But how beautiful it is to move with the giant wheel! How redeeming it can be to understand fully that dealing with adversity is an inevitable part of any journey and to embrace whatever comes our way is an important part of the experience and our existence. In welcoming both the good and the bad, we not only have a fuller experience, we move in tandem with nature. And when our shells of resistance crack and our pathetic barriers are torn asunder, we move as the river does - flowing effortlessly forward, jutting into crevices and back out of them, and seamlessly integrating with our surroundings.

Simplify

Now a month into my travels, one of the most rewarding aspects of the journey has been the clarity of mind it allows. I just have more time to do whatever I want. I have less logistics to consider and more time to reflect. As a result it's easier to be more present in the moment and it's simpler to feel full thoughts. I don't feel scattered and pulled in many directions; I feel a level of groundedness I haven't felt to this point in my life.

It's with this in mind that I've begun to practice walking meditation. Inspired by the writings of Thich Nhat Hahn, I try to at least once daily go for a walk in which I'm fully present, focusing only on observing my surroundings and the pace of my inhalations and exhalations.

The most rewarding walk I had was during day five of the trek, in which we arrived at our campsite by 1pm and had the better part of a day to just relax. Our site was situated in the hills above a strikingly blue lake and I decided to wander through the woods and meditate. Focusing on my breaths, I followed  winding, sequestered paths and came to a lookout point above the lake where I observed a small bird for the better part of 30 minutes. Of the animals I've encountered, I find birds to be the quickest to move from place to place. And, hell, if I had wings I probably would too. But there was something about this small brown bird that struck me - its stillness. While its counterparts would call loudly and bounce around spastically from one tree to the next, this bird froze and made very small, incredibly deliberate movements. To observe the bird, I stood about five feet from it, perfectly still, focusing only on it and my breaths. The bird was taking advantage of a berry plant and in between bouts of extreme stillness, the bird would dart to a berry, pluck it from a bush, swallow it whole then transition back to a frozen position for several more minutes. I think the bird knew I was there. It's hard to not see me. But I do think my stillness allowed the bird to freely continue grazing. It was interesting. During its frozen bout the bird would stare me directly in the eye and we'd engage in a staring contest. I almost felt the bird saying "we good?" and me replying inaudibly "we good". The bird just wanted to eat. I just wanted to watch the bird eat. And that's what we did.

However high you're thinking I sounded during this encounter, my time with my winged companion inspired me to reflect on simplicity. All living things need to just do three things: eat, sleep and breathe. All life (well most life) revolves around and stems from the need to do those things. When something stops an organism from doing one of these three things, the organism needs to change its plan and find a different way to procure the need. There were 1000 different berry bushes on this hill. This bird could have easily flown away from a potential predator (me) and grazed there. But the bird didn't do that. The bird stood its tiny bird ground, it picked its tiny bird berry and continued shooting these berries into its tiny bird belly. I realized in that moment that what developed between the bird and myself was trust. The bird gave me a chance to observe it and I allowed the bird the chance to eat. We both got what we wanted. We existed in harmony. And all human emotions that convolute each moment, contrived needs that permeate our lives and the mental baggage we carry with us on a daily basis disappeared in that moment. The bird ate. I watched. And nothing else mattered. Life. Simple.

The Wind Lives

When I reflect on the eight-day trek, one of the aspects that continues to leap out at me is the wind. Never in my life have I encountered wind like the wind in Torres Del Paine.

I think humans enjoy personifying nature. It makes nature more relatable and, like many things humans do, if we make something more similar to us we don't have to work as hard to understand it. But to say the wind at Torres Del Paine had human characteristics or mannerisms would be misleading. Instead, it's just easier to think of this wind as a living creature whose movements very deliberately affected every moment of our trip.

The wind blew. The wind howled. The wind lept. The wind plucked flowers from plants. The wind tore through terrain. The wind turned faces away. The wind screamed. The wind danced a fiery-stepped dance. The wind bounced. The wind sculpted glaciers. The wind molded mountains. The wind dictated passages. The wind tore tent poles in half. The wind endangered safety. The wind forced me to lay prostrate. The wind wins.

There was never a moment when the wind affected me more than when I would try to sleep. At the end of the night, when we were tucked deep inside our sleeping bags inside our tents, the wind began its relentless assault. It was a furious display of sound and motion. You could hear a breeze approaching from off to the left, which would be engulfed by a gust from the right that together would tear through a tree above our heads and lead to the terrifying tree creaking sound. Wind would form on top of a mountain far off inconsequentially and quickly amass an army over the valley with an attack plan to indent our tent flaps and billow into our heads. The motion of the wind, like a pinball smashing from lane to lane, sculpted the tempo of our dreams, if we were lucky enough to have them. The wind heightened any anxiety about the following day's travels. The wind tucked us deeper into ourselves and our bags. The wind made you feel small, oh so small. Trivial and meaningless.

For seven and a half days, the wind was indifferent. The wind didn't care. The wind pummeled. And the wind never apologized.

But on day eight, something happened.

We arose at midnight to commence a sunrise hike at 1am. We made our way to the iconic Torres viewpoint for those unbeatable sunrise pics. After about 30 minutes on the mountaintop, I began to freeze so desperately I had to make my way back down the mountain before the rest of the group. The journey back to camp took me the better part of two hours. The whole way down my sleepless brain was working through the frustration it felt from so little REM in the last week, such inadequate nourishment and such cold. It wasn't the best headspace to venture alone down a mountain with. But I kept walking and with twenty or so minutes remaining in my descent I encountered a Dutch couple making their way up the mountain that were frozen behind their vaulted phones taking a photo. I turned to behold the object of their desire and noticed one of the most gorgeous rainbows I've ever seen jutting out from the mountain with a breathtaking complementary arc. I gazed upon this rainbow for five minutes and as I turned around to continue on, my thoughts slowly started to turn. I finally began to feel the accomplishments of the journey. And at that moment the wind did something I'll never forget. The wind pressed squarely on my shoulders and steered my wearisome body down the mountain. I felt the wind's hands, warm for me for the first time, caressing my back and in that moment it was almost as if the wind was saying "you put up with me for seven days. You've done something most people wouldn't dare do. You've passed the test. Now get down safely and get out of here. It's time to make my way to the next traveler."

I had felt the wind's fury each night. But for the first time I felt the wind's grace. I felt the wind's warmth. And I let the wind guide me. The wind stretched me to my limits without ever thinking to check in with me and here at the very end, the wind smiles. The wind comforts. And the wind protects.

The wind is alive. It will blow us back and forth. But it will eventually steer us in the right direction. We just have to put our head down and move forward step by step until that happens.

Patagonia Pontifications

Greetings from the edge of the world! Okay, fine it's not quite the edge but it looks like more and more tundra and less and less humans so it certainly feels like it is. Down here, the elements are king and the only souls that happily bear the winds for extended periods are the plethora of wild dogs that roam freely.

I'm stationed in the seaside town of Puerto Natales, a quaint area whose reason for being appears to be to support the flocks of backpackers looking to get their taste of the Patagonian Andes. The streets are lined with hostels, tourism agencies and novelty shops and the town guests don only the most overpriced Patagonia gear. Hey, at least they're using the fleeces and bubble jackets for their intended purpose ;)

Puerto Natales serves as a base camp for these trekkers, who can access the local sights easily from here. You gather the sleep, food and gear you need here then you journey out.

In two days time, my buddy Andrew and I embark on an 8-day trek in the Torres Del Paine region. I've been eagerly awaiting this week for many months now as it feels like a true adventure. All the gear we'll need for a week will be on our backs and I anticipate it will push me athletically and mentally. Each day we will venture for anywhere from a couple hours to 11 hours. Pray for me.

An aspect of the Patagonia journey I've really enjoyed so far has been the hostel experience. A genuine feeling of solidarity exists among the traveling brethren. Everybody is out adventuring and figuring things out together, everybody has to budget money and everybody has stories about their homeland and their travels that they are quick to exchange over drinks in the common space far into the night.

From the outside, hosteling can seem like a forced experience. You have to walk in and suddenly converse and become roommates with complete strangers. I was a little hesitant to dive into the hostel game off the bat. I worried about my belongings, having to sleep in a room with many other people (WHAT IF I SNORE?) and always putting on a face. But now that I've been staying at hostels for the last week I realize how special these havens are.

The traveling personality seeks adventure, seeks change and seeks to let the sights they see and experiences they share stimulate personal growth. But most importantly, I think the traveling personality desires validation - validation that the choice to cast free of the social and professional tethers back home was a good one. When you descend upon a community of folks in the same boat as you, who have either left a life behind or momentarily hit the pause button on the life they had, you begin to feel valued. You realize that however crazy of a choice it is to you to pick up your life, take it on the road for months at a time and bid farewell to the communities that supported you, it is a choice that many, many people make. And when I start to feel guilty about leaving people in my life behind or leaving a place where I was loved, I realize that there's scads of folks who have all done the same thing. And while it's still scary and while I still don't know where I'll be even a week from now, there's comfort in numbers. There's solidarity in adventure. And there's a peace of mind when meeting people on the road that I haven't felt for some time.

I'll be fully unreachable for the next week but I'll share photos and stories on the other side. I'm thrilled that my Thanksgiving dinner will be a slice of bread smeared with peanut butter and wind.

El Calafate

It's crazy to think my time in Brazil has already ended. Only a little over two weeks into the trip, it feels like the first chapter is complete. And I managed to not get robbed :)

Yesterday I touched down in Argentina. I met up with my friend Andrew, whom I lived with during an internship in NYC in 2012 and this Patagonia excursion marks a five year reunion for us. Andrew just arrived back from Antarctica and at 27 has already been to 7 continents and spent the last few years traveling. The way he just capitalizes on his wanderlust is respectable and I couldn't think of a better travel companion to have for the next month.

We are currently spending two days in El Calafate, a town situated near the southern tip of Argentina, in the Patagonia region. It is kind of like a hiker's equivalent of a less-bustling port city, from which people take buses to various mountains, parks and glaciers to hike.

The climate is quite something. The arid conditions, biting wind and eternal sun (which rises at 6:30am and sets at 10pm) really makes it feel like you're at the end of the world. There's just not too much down here. A small town that appears to be supported by the farming and tourism industries located right on the banks of the brightest blue lake I've ever seen. It's a peaceful place with a slower life pace and extremely kind people. It's been a massive relief to come to a place like this from Brazil where I was worried constantly about getting robbed and how to safely transport myself and my belongings from point a to point b. Here I can move freely and it's liberating.

This morning that freedom took me on a run up into the foothills. When running I'm inclined to just pick a direction and find a road that leads somewhat straightaway in that direction. I moved from dirt road to paved road back again to dirt road. The rocks under my feet and uneven earth provoke caution as I'm wont to keep my ankles intact prior to our upcoming eight-day trek in Chile. The sun bright, the air brisk and cutting. I'm thankful I wore the extra layers, extremity protectors and sunblock. With stray dogs awaiting my arrival on each road, I wait until they rear their heads, informing me of their territory and politely suggesting a directional rerouting. I make my way straight uphill for the better part of two miles then I turn around. The wind that whipped at my face so intently finally now at my back, my cracked lips form a smile. The extent of my remoteness begins to sink in. In one direction, a dirt road up into the mountains. In another direction, sheets of ice plaster the sky and the light-brown landscape shifts slowly into a tundra. Moving westward from there, the lake with its calming colors and confident placement straddles the earth. My body feels great - in constant motion, my legs have regained a tone they haven't known since college and my head feels a oneness it hasn't known for some time. Life's priorities change from a hectic to-do list of 27 items at any given moment to three real priorities - food, sleep and shelter. Everything else is meant to pass through me as it sees fit. Whether it's the sense of adventure I felt in Brazil coupled with the sense of isolation or the sense of warmth and belonging from meeting up with a long-time friend, these emotions are all part of this experience. And as long as I take care of myself and remain an open vessel, whatever feelings that take hold and however long they stay, is right. Is correct. Is validated. And how freeing it is to know that whatever is felt is felt and whatever happens, happens. I can only control so much. It's an integral aspect of the travel mentality. And I'm beginning to really embrace it. 

Random Acts of Joy

When you're an extrovert spending weeks at a time alone in new cities, you have to rely on other people to help get you through.

Just walking down the city streets and feeling the hustle and bustle of a metropolitan area is a good start. Just seeing faces and watching other lives lived instills you with an appreciation. Even if it's a coconut juice vendor on the corner of the block that yells something at you in a language you don't speak, you're at least reminded that other people can see you.

Of everything I've seen, the sights that give me the most encouragement and develop a well-spring of goodness within me that I can pull from for days to come, are random acts of joy.

Random Act of Joy #1: There's three servers posted up in front of a beach-front cafe on a rainy day. Given the awful weather, nobody is making their way in to eat. One of them suddenly starts dancing, using the moisture on the mosaic tile to effectively moonwalk. Everyone laughs. Whether it actually gets people in the doors or not is beside the point.

Random Act of Joy #2: A group of five teenagers are sitting around a table outside of a bar on a Friday night. The bar is positioned in such a way that there's the bar on one side of a small alley street, and because alcohol laws don't exist here, there's tables of people crowded around either side of this small through-street. Taxis and Uber drivers have made their way down this street all night hoping that they'd time it right with a patron's departure. A garbage truck makes its way down the street to collect the bar's trash and one of the teenagers at the table of five jumps onto the foothold on the back of the garbage truck to pose for a selfie. Instead of the garbage collectors getting mad, they jump into the photos and suddenly there's a small selfie parade in our midst.

Random Act of Joy #3: I'm having a drink at a bar and a man makes his way through the bar giving out business cards for a new Gentleman's Club that opened up around the corner. I intentionally don't look his way because I'm not interested. The man is about to make his way out of the bar when my server grabs him and asks him to go drop a card at my table. I receive the card, thank the man for making his way over and the man departs the bar. My server looks up at me and just howls with laughter. Needless to say, I join in.

It's these small acts that get me through this trip. They provide a respite from my over-contemplative brain and, if even for just a moment, assuage any worries or fears and place me into the state I prefer to dwell: a state of laughter.

Rio

This place. This place is unbelievable.
Sun, always. Locals further darkened by its daily sweep.
Nectar of every exotic fruit imaginable on tap. Acai is the new king of my heart.
Enormous chunks of rock and tree jut out from the earth like teeth
Slum encampments and a statue of Christ - the only plaque strong enough to build a home
The spine of the city, two beach strips each 3 miles long, bent to accommodate its growing gut
A lagoon, like icing on a diamond, plopped dead center between sea and hill
Gaping tourists make their rounds, Scowling locals meet their gaze
Birds, winged objects of envy, freely soar for a view that costs others thousands
Waves lapping, longing for a more permanent stay on the dusty golden shore
Emerald waters smile at the heavens, keenly aware of their appeal
Lovebirds kissing, spouting nothings, whispering somethings
An open pack of skittles left on the hillside They taste the rainbow but it leaves a bitter feeling. But, in the end, they have the best view.
History, culture and business wrapped into one scenic package
Please be done hosting games for awhile
Because it's my turn to play with you.

airport thoughts.

As I sit in the Sao Paulo airport waiting for a delayed flight to Rio, I want to take some time to get down some thoughts I've been ruminating on the past several days.

A trip of this magnitude is wont to bring about fear. With so much uncertainty every step along the way and the bag on my back as my only constant companion, there is an intentional rebuke of the comfort brought about by stability and convenience. I've set myself on an adventure of my own devising and no matter how much I try to plan or attempt to control variables, a trip like this forces one to embrace a mindset of acceptance. Whatever will come is not good or bad - it simply IS, and thus it is an integral part of the experience.

But it's so easy to tell yourself that. And no matter how much I remind myself to maintain an open, optimistic and accepting outlook during my journey, there's no escaping the fears that have taken the form of a nagging parrot on my shoulder. How can I escape the reality that I'm technically jobless, technically homeless and have intentionally detached myself from the community I loved? I worry about money a lot. I worry about my few possessions a great deal. My initial view of the people around me is one of defensiveness, provoked by an intense need for self-preservation.

I'm trying to worry less. It's only been a week - I still have more than five months left in the journey. I'm hoping that the worries will slowly dissipate as I become more and more used to the idea of change.

It's funny - when we are alone and our fears or negative thoughts cloud our minds, the only refuge we have is our own inward motivation. Similar to the way a religious individual maintains faith in their deity, so must I maintain faith in my surroundings and my ability to handle whatever may come. Taking a step into the unknown can result in a muddy shoe but at least I took the step. And it's during times of fear, anxiety, uncertainty, self-doubt and loneliness that I work inwardly to embolden my faith. I am strong. I am loved. I am here now. Make the most of it.

An adventure doesn't always bring about breathtaking novelty, mind-blowing beauty and relentless elation. Those are just the thoughts that comprise my dreams. The reality is there's a shitton of downtime, there's severe communication breakdowns, there's mind-numbing delays and there's mornings where a lack of motivation and a desire to preserve my funds results in me passing the time indoors in isolation.

But I didn't just want the dreams. I wanted the messy underbelly of reality. I wanted to be slapped in the face constantly and reminded of just how fucking beautiful the life I lead is and how I should never, ever, ever take one friendship or one aspect of this life for granted. I wanted to grow and real growth takes time. It takes struggle. It takes balls.

So whatever you're doing today and whatever large lifeclouds lay ahead of you, take a moment to gather yourself. Take a moment to look around you at the beauty. Then just go crush it, man. The only thing holding you back is yourself. If your doubt becomes debilitating, throw yourself to the fire and be amazed at how strong of a person you are once you're forced to tackle adversity face-to-face.

listen.

Before you lies a post that was rather difficult to write. Frankly I'm frightened to share this story because I know it doesn't paint me in a positive light. And in the age of selfies and filters, all we really want is to feel like the self we are putting out there is our best one. But this story is not pretty, does note have a pretty bow tied on the end and instead stems from a poor choice I made. Thankfully it was a choice I made in a safe space, otherwise it could have had farther reaching and more serious implications.

This episode explores issues surrounding race relations, a topic of conversation that I in no way consider myself an expert or even someone who should attempt to tackle any aspect of the subject to begin with. But I want to share this story because I took away a lot from it, grew through it and came out more careful on the other side. And my hope is that you may too.

That's enough exposition. Here we go.

Last night my friend Naama and I hung out at a very hipster bar in a fun neighborhood called Vila Madalena in Sao Paulo. The walls were plastered with posters of Bowie, The Smiths and indie movies. There was even an older dude who resembled Carl Reiner's character from Ocean's 11 walking around to tables selling records. The demographic represented was exactly what you'd think : denim-clad, unkempt, and perpetually Instagraming twenty-somethings. Naama and I posted up there for a couple hours, ordering food and "litres" of beer (it's a common practice to order larger, 600ml bottles of beer and share them at a table. Basically the way Americans would share a bottle of wine. But much cheaper).

We were on the Metro on the way back home when I said the thing I shouldn't have.

Naama and I were seated side-by-side in seats on the train car observing a group of four probably college-aged youths. I liked the clothes they were wearing and the way they carried themselves. Apart from being stylish, the four teens all appeared to represent a unique racial composition. One of them I honed in on: he had light skin, brown hair and a brown mustache that he was quick to curl at the end using the tips of his fingers. He wore a flat-brimmed skater hat, a green flannel and brown pants. Without thinking too much, I turned to Naama and said: "He looks like someone from Vermont, no?"

And that's where I messed up.

Naama immediately scowled and fired back "Why because he's white? You realize that saying something like that presumes that all Americans are white and all Brazilians are darker sinned, right? In case you haven't noticed, it's not the color of someone's skin that makes them Brazilian."

Before I continue, a little bit about my friend Naama. Naama was born in Brazil and moved with his family up to Boston at the age of 13. He has lived in Boston, Brazil and England. He identifies as mixed-race. We met as freshmen at Gordon College and for the last eight years I've loved him dearly. And he's one of the reasons why I decided to take this trip in the first place. Okay, back to the story.

Oh how hindsight gives us 20/20 vision. At that moment, what I SHOULD have said was "you're right. I messed up. That was ignorant and stupid. I'm sorry." But instead I fell down a rabbit hole of trying to explain and justify my comment which only made matters worse.

For the next 20 minutes, we were engaged in such a heated exchange that we missed our Metro stop by more than four stops. I found myself pathetically spewing a stream of nonsense rebuttals including but not limited to concepts of bias based on heritage, preferential treatment and, the real doozy, trying to argue that there's a strong correlation between the color of people's skin and the region of the world they come from.

It's a very pitiful feeling when you're in the midst of a debate in which you know you're wrong but you feel like you have to keep arguing in the hopes that you can justify your comments. I felt as though I was past the point of no return in some ways and to cease trying to get my point across would have been a disservice to myself.

If you know me, you know I'm not one to dive headfirst into an argument. I'm typically the guy standing in the wings watching two people go at it. I don't much like to discuss politics or sensitive matters regarding race, gender, etc. I'm aware of my status as a sis-gendered straight white man and, whether my points are accurate or not, don't often feel like I would even have anything to contribute to a dialogue that's worthwhile. After all, it's the voice of people representing my racial/gender/sexual identity that has been loud and clear for hundreds of years and the voice that has created immense turmoil in the world.

But at the end of the day, it's very depressing. If my voice isn't one that needs to be heard right now, then what use are my words? If I can't make any change, why even try? If I can't make a comment and then work to justify that comment, then why speak at all?

The hard part is I know the answer. The answer is that it has never been more important for a sis-gendered straight white man to just listen. If our voice is the one that's been in power for centuries and created so many problems, then it's high time that we just shut the hell up and encourage the voices of the marginalized to step forward and share their stories and perspectives that have always been silenced. As a white person, it's my job to listen and listen fully. The others before me with my racial composition have done the talking and it's time to pass the mic over to those that need to be heard.

Naama and I, being the great friends we are, wrapped our verbal onslaught, reminded each other how much we love and value the other and how important it is that we can have a dialogue like this and be able to come together and embrace afterwards.

I've spent several hours now reflecting on this whole episode and there's a particularly salient point that Naama brought up that I cannot shake: "Mac, there's two types of white people in this world. There's the white people that listen and are thoughtful. And there's the type of white people that are loud and ignorant."

I realized immediately after he said these words, that I have no greater fear than being mistakenly associated with the latter group. And when I heard him say that I experienced what may have been my first comforting thought in the past 30 minutes: the very fact that I try so hard to ensure my words are interpreted correctly and the realization that I care so deeply about the repercussions of my comments is hopefully indicative of my belonging to the second group.

So why did I share this whole episode. Was it in an attempt to still justify my actions to myself? Probably. Was it so that I could process the conversation? Yes. Was it so that I could offer a public confession that I still haven't got it all right? Maybe. But I think that many of the issues in America right now stem from white men, especially those in power, making comments without listening, white men making accusations with no humility. And white men thinking they are still the only ones that matter.

So, although each and every day I long to have a voice that can penetrate the thick walls of social unrest and ache to share experience that can lead to change, I'm always reminded that for me and others like me, there's no more important time to be selective and careful with what we say, and above all, listen. Even though it seems like a small contribution, perhaps an open ear is a seedling we plant to grow the progress we need and realize the change we want to see. For by listening, new voices are brought into the fold, their value has an opportunity to be realized and their dreams can become possible.

Hospitality, people-first lifestyles & a day without an American

I've spent the past three days in Sao Paolo, Brazil exploring as much of the city as possible. When in an urban setting, my tendency is to pick a destination location and just walk there, however long it takes. Time isn't really an issue when you have nothing you have to be doing and nowhere you have to be. Yesterday was a bit ridiculous - I think I inadvertently walked the better part of 10 miles in order to get to the Botanic Gardens and as a result have allowed myself a "chill day" today.

After three days of intimate time with the city, I feel like I've seen enough to start to describe some patterns. Keep in mind the thoughts I share about a place or the people in it are in no way conclusive. The thoughts are strictly observatory in nature and any feelings I feel or any interpretations I draw as a result are purely subjective and really have the sole purpose of assisting my processing. I ask that you continue to keep that in mind when reading these posts. Also, thank you for reading these posts :)

Hospitality and Generosity

Man, has this been a motif since my arrival here. Everyone I've encountered has gone out of their way to make me feel at home and appreciated. The most extreme example being my AirBnB host, Barbara, who has been a literal saint. She makes me a breakfast every morning featuring the local staples of bread, cheese and ham and seems to have strong coffee and exotic juices on tap. She is right now helping me with my laundry. She even was flexible with me when I asked her if I could stay one extra night as I had a slight change in plans. She's unbelievable and she alone has made my landing in this new city softer than anticipated.

But Barbara is only one person. So let me extrapolate beyond her. The servers I've had in restaurants and the drivers I've ridden with have also taken great care of me and gone above and beyond to accommodate my needs. Although everyone has been thoroughly positive and not in the least bit resentful of my clear foreignness and inability to speak even a lick of Portuguese, one could make the argument that these are people in hospitality positions whose job it is to ensure their patrons feel valued. So let's take it even a step further.

One of my Brazilian friends, Naama, who was really the impetus for my venturing to Brazil, hasn't been able to meet up with me yet. We have plans to meet up tomorrow as I basically booked the wrong airport and flew into a place that was seven hours from him! The upstanding guy he is, he put me in touch with one of his local friends, Sarah, my first day in town to give me someone to connect with.

Now, in America, if someone connected you with one of their friends who was in town, you'd probably maybe show them a cool place to eat or allot an hour of your day to connect with them at best, right? I mean your mutual friend isn't there so won't it be weird to just meet up with them? I mean what do you really have to talk about with them besides your mutual friend? All these thoughts that I as an American thought were instantly proven wrong.

Sarah reached out to me within minutes of Naama providing my contact info and she invited me to the Municipal Market, a sprawling and mindblowingly crowded cluster of local vendors that reminded me of a bazaar. We met up later that afternoon and she introduced me to her friend Hafa. We spent the better part of four hours walking around the marketplace, eating amazing food (this pork sandwich called Pernil is to die for) checking out the Sao Paulo Cathedral, getting sugar cane juice (yup, they literally just shove stalks of sugar cane into a processor) and hitting up a cool punk/skate-style shopping complex. They based the entire itinerary around what I wanted to see and we stayed in a place until I decided it was time to move on. As if this wasn't already incredibly generous, she invited me out later that night to a club called Rey Castro that housed an unbelievable live band in a Havana-style dance setting. It seemed that Sarah based her entire day and night around showing me cool places in the city and making sure I had a good time. On top of all this, I found out Sarah actually lives an hour outside the city and made her way back in to see me not once but twice! I'm beyond grateful and can't begin to describe the extent to which the hospitality of the people here has made me feel welcomed and loved.

Prioritize People

Another pattern I have observed in the people here is the prioritization of friends, family and loved ones over personal accomplishments. There appears to be less of an emphasis on productivity and busy-bodying. When the priorities shift and people let themselves breathe, time must relinquish its grasp. As a result, people spend hours on end just laying with loved ones in parks, immersed in conversations with friends and holding close what truly matters: the people in their lives.

I felt this same inclination during my time in Turkey and it continues to strike me just how much Americans have this wrong. I know it's the land of the free and the home of the brave and you can do anything you set your mind to and that entails running around like a frenzied maniac in order to get it, yadayadayada. But I've found that by and large most Americans schedule their lives around their work and then carve out time to spend with their friends and family as opposed to the other way around. At the end of the day, when you realize your own accomplishments can't care for you in times of need and you've amassed relationships purely on the basis of work, who will you have to turn to? It just seems to me that a life well spent is a life with people as the focus. Sure, witnessing this compassion and love between friends here makes me as a lone traveler miss dearly my loved ones back home. But it also instills in me a reminder of what is really important in life. And no matter how I slice it, it always comes down to people, people, people.

There is an oasis here called Ibirapuera Park that has to be the most beautiful park I've ever beheld. It's sprawling acre upon acre of lush green with a green-glass river cutting through it. Every square inch is occupied by locals playing with their kids on awesome wooden structures, kicking around a soccer ball, drinking wine with friends on the banks of the river, singing songs together and couples just making out with reckless abandon (PDA is quite a thing here). It just feels like Eden - a gorgeous land of harmony where everything belongs and has a purpose. And at the center of this Eden is a relentless outpouring of love, acceptance and beauty. Do you really think Adam spent his time counting how many more sticks he needed to build his fort or do you think he marveled over the stunning (and first) woman ever created? People first. People always.

A Day Without an American

It has been so damn refreshing to have been here three days and not seen one American. Not only does it make me feel like a badass who has explored outside the realm of the typical American destination (barriers to entry are high with that cute little $165 visa expense, the mandate of a Yellow Fever vaccination and almost a full day needed to travel one way), but it makes me feel like I've really been exposed purely to Brazilian culture. The absence of Americans has also made my presence more meaningful. The locals are eager to hear my story, where I come from and what brings me here. I still feel weird just responding "traveling the world" to the latter inquiry, but alas I guess that is exactly what I'm doing. So while there appears to be little resentment toward Americans, mostly on the basis of there not being many down here, I still feel like an outsider but I also feel taken care of. And that's about all I can ask for.

The last several days have been me exploring the city and many of the cultural destinations, museums and parks. Once my friend Naama arrives tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the local's insider glance at the best food and nightlife. Five more days in Sao Paulo before I jump on a plane to Rio. Weeeee!

The heart of the journey.

Well here I am. Sitting in a cafe in Sao Paolo, Brazil. Eating some local cheesy bread (Pao De Queijo) and drinking a cappuccino. Everyone is staring at me. Mostly because I look like the BFG. Also because I just caused a nuisance trying desperately to procure the WiFi password from a server who has many more important customers to deal with.

It's funny. Usually when I'm alone for too long I tend to become sad. I'm a total extrovert at heart and the last five years doing comedy and working as a wedding DJ have only heightened the degree to which I identify as a performer. I feed off of connections with other people, am constantly validated by them and it's the feeling that I'm making an impact that gets me through the day.

So naturally spending nearly six months traveling in foreign countries and being alone for a large chunk of it seems crazy right? Not so. Read on. Or don't. I didn't force you to be here. But if you want to understand why that "if this then that" equation doesn't even out, I encourage you to continue.

When a person immerses himself (yes I'll lead with the "him" pronoun as I'm talking about myself) into a new culture there is a degree of anonymity. When he embraces that anonymity - the realization that he has never been here, nobody here knows who he is and his being in this place doesn't have too great an impact - it's easy to put oneself in the backseat. The outsider's values, preferences and way of life slowly fade. And as a result, the outsider relinquishes his own way of going and can enter headfirst into the culture at hand. And hot damn is it hard to feel lonely once this happens, for the outsider is then validated by the perspective acquired through observing the very people existing before him!

I realize this sounds theoretical and easier said than done. Especially since it means taking the dishes one brings to the table and effectively smashing them in glorious fashion. But in a world where there are always walls between people, by destroying as much of the barrier I naturally bring as a foreigner and immersing myself as fully as possible, I'm able to realize my true goal of traveling - gaining perspective.

But can't one gain perspective from a film? Can't one just gain perspective from a single conversation? Perhaps. But I'm interested in a more lasting perspective shift - one that heightens my awareness of different cultures, one that blossoms the beauty of diversity and one that prompts me to embrace humility and keep my "problems" in perspective. Not to mention a perspective that I can bring back to America and continue to remind myself when I'm flat on my ass having zero luck getting a job in New York City.

I received my first heavy dose of the perspective pill when studying in Istanbul for six months. I became a junkie when I traveled through the Balkans by myself for two weeks. And it's this six-month trip that certifies me as a grade-a junkie. I feel high when I'm walking around a new city with people I've never seen speaking words I've never heard. I'm intoxicated when I'm looking at buildings and art whose influences I would never have imagined. And I feel truly alive when simply watching people live their lives.

Now for a radical shift in tone - I hate the idea of tourists. I hate what one of my favorite sociologists calls "the view from the veranda" - the idea that foreigners come into a new place and allow themselves only to get out of it exactly what they want to get out of it. These people do not listen. These people do not open their eyes or minds. There is no perspective shift. They are simply looking at life from the comfort of their air-conditioned car and validating themselves through it. I think most of the problems in the world come from people not listening to others, people unwilling to relinquish their desires and refusing to accept the ideas and lives of others as valued, important and necessary.

So yes, tourists are the reason we can't achieve world peace. Lol, not really but I think the lens through which these types of people approach the world is deeply problematic.

When traveling, I want to listen. I want to see the many angles of the city. I want to speak with the locals. I want to know if the dog being scolded behind me actually understands Portuguese better than me. I want to have my eyes opened and my mind blown.

I cannot escape the fact that I'm an American. I cannot escape from the fact that I was born and have lived my entire life in the place that created many of the cultural phenomena (skating, hip hop and Nike to name a few) that influence so many here in Brazil. I cannot escape the vanity, self-possession and ignorance so many associate with American people abroad. And, most importantly, I can't escape the fact that I'm six-five, long haired and white skinned. Okay, fine I can change the long hair part but I just don't want to, okay? My mom LOVES my hair.

But I can listen. I can try to understand. I can try and let my own preferences take a backseat. And I can embrace and celebrate a way of life that's different from my own.

I've only been here for 24 hours. And I already feel my worldview torn to pieces. Just the way I like it.

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Footnote 1: Subsequent posts will have more place/culture-specific focuses. For now, I just wanted to take a few minutes to inform you and remind myself why the hell I've made this crazy choice and what I'm already getting out of it.

Footnote 2: This blog is for processing and to get the words jumbling around in my head down on paper. Want to see pics? Hit up my instagram @MacDaddyGostow. You're welcome for that username. It's also available as a link at the top of the blog. More like FUNctionality! Okay, I'm done now...